Black Granny: 41 Ways You Know She’s Amazing

For the upcoming Grandparents appreciation day on September 9th, I wanted to write something fun, something dedicated to one of the most important persons in our lives: The Black Grandma!

Whether you got to know her or not, the Black Grandma was or is usually always a staple in any black household. She is the one that you can count on to get the food right every time and the matriarch holding everything together in the good and bad times.

We all love our Black Grandmothers! So in their honor, here our 41 ways you know you have (an  amazing) Black Grandma. 

1. She keeps a cup of bacon grease on the back of her stove.                                                 (Grandma what is this?? And please tell me we are not reusing it)

2. She turns on the oven to warm the house in the winter
(Does it really get the gas bill down? Can we figure this out. I’m freezing!)

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3. “Don’t go outside with your hair wet, you’ll catch a cold.”
(Apparently, if you go outside with just your hair wet, you will catch the flu. Maybe the flu enters through your head?)

4. She cusses in the church parking lot.                                                                                            (Only grandma can get away with this.)

5. She says you have “the suga” when you have diabetes.
(Grandma, who invented the suga and how am I going to get it from eating one cookie?)

6. She buys you toys that you mom says you can’t have.
( I Love you Grandma!)

7. She always kept the dopest (and unhealthiest) snacks at her house for her grandkids.             (Always my favorite things)

8. You can spend the night at Grandma’s and stay up late. 
(Momma made us go to bed at 9 pm. – not grandma)

9. Everyone must go to church on Sunday even if you just got in at 6 a.m.
(Better not go to sleep in church either.)

10. When it’s storming with thunder and lightning, you must sit and be quiet. Turn off the TV and don’t talk on the phone
(There could be no noise and no movement in the house.)

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11. She says the Internet is the devil
(I’m actually starting to believe her.)

12. She won’t use the ATM; must go inside and talk to a teller. 
(She hates technology.)

13. She likes the same cashier in the grocery store and will wait an hour for that person.
(What is so special about that person, I will never know.)

14. She says don’t go outside without shoes on.
(Why grandma?)

15. On Sundays, dinner is at 3 p.m.
(Wayyyy too early, we just had lunch!)

16. Church music is on the radio all day on Sunday.
(Grandma sang every song even though she didn’t know the words- Don’t tell her she don’t know the words.)

17. Grandma says a hard head makes a soft butt.
(Ok – how does by butt get soft because I’m hard headed?)

18. “Your mouth is going to write a check that your azz can’t cash!”
(I didn’t even say nothin!)

19. She mixes powder milk with real milk so it will go further.
(We always knew because it was nasty.)

20. She puts her bread in the freezer so it will last.

21. Bologna is fried and eaten with crackers and sometimes for breakfast.
(When there’s no bacon, you had bologna.)

22. She eats fried chicken with white bread.
(No wheat bread; it had to be white.)

23. She won’t drink out of a plastic cup.
(She says plastic was nasty; it had to be glass.)

24. She keeps money in the house, sometimes under the bed or in the pockets of her clothes and won’t put it in the bank.
(Ya’ll remember in Soul Food when they found all that money??)

25. Her bible is always visible in the house.

26. She quotes God like she knew him personally.
(She’s always telling us what God said.)

27. You couldn’t turn the TV channel when Texas Ranger was on.
(Grandma, if I have to watch Chuck Norris fake kick someone one more time, I’m going to lose it and you’re never really watching it anyways!)

28. She cleaned her iron with a Brillo pad.                                                                                   (Never use a towel.)

29. Mac and Cheese was served every Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years.
(Couldn’t wait for Grandma’s good’ol Mac and Cheese. It wasn’t until I got older that I figured out everyone didn’t have it on those same holidays.)

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30. She always had a fake Christmas tree, never a real tree. 
(But we loved it.)

31. She always called you “nappy head”
(Grandma, I just got a hair cut. How is my hair still nappy? )

32. Told you that if you dreamed about fish, someone was pregnant.
(Black Grandmas are usually right about this one – we don’t know how.)

33. She says if you ear itched, someone was talking about you.
(We never exactly figured out who that was.)

34. She says that alcohol was the devil’s juice.
(If it’s the devil’s juice, then what is that brown drink by the side of your bed?)

35. She says Halloween is the devil’s holiday.
(Grandma, why would Jesus give the Devil his own holiday? And I’m a ninja turtle, what’s evil about that?!)

36. Said that too much candy will cause you to get diabetes.
(Is that the Suga she was talking about?)

37. She had dishes that you never could eat off of. They were for special guest.
(Those special guest must include only Oprah and The Obamas. We are not ever using those dishes.)

38. She said things like, move from in front of the TV, your momma ain’t made of glass.
(Grandma, where you even watching TV?.)

39. She said close the door, this ain’t no barn?

40. She makes you laugh talking about people.
(Black Grandma’s never pass up an opportunity to talk mess about someone. Even to their face.)

41. There was only one bathroom for seven people and everyone made it on time to work or school.

There is nothing like a good old Black Grandma. Tell us about your favorite Black Grandma Memories.